Written March 8, 2022
Originally posted March 10, 2022
This morning while meditating, my full first name (Jenifer) popped into my head and repeated itself over and over and over again, like a mantra. Having only ever heard it when I was in trouble growing up, I felt confused— had I finally succumbed to my own worst nightmare (a narcissist)?
Why did it suddenly want my attention, now, after officially ditching the ‘ifer’ portion as a freshman in high school?
Leaning in further, why had I shortened it? And what’s in a name anyway? Does the name shape the person or does the person shape the name?
I’ve pondered this too many times to count, however, never having reached a satisfying conclusion took me on a trip down ‘moniker’ lane once again.
What ensued was an emotional montage of sorts, a kaleidoscope of vignettes composed of:
shame (because the quick transition of ‘fer’ and ‘Fair’ caused my little fast-talking self to stutter)
disdain (in middle school I was convinced people named Jenifer (or Jennifer) were frumpy and boring)
anger (I’m not a Jenny — except to my sophomore cabinet-making class buddy whose face shone like the sun when he said it, and to Mason, my little love, who says it as one would say ‘yippee!’)
Essentially, there was contempt and an overall complete rejection of the name I’d been given — with the exception of 3 nicknames doled out by people I adored most:
‘Jenife’ (pronounced ‘jen-uh-fee’ — given to me by my mother with laughter when I inadvertently left the ‘r’ off of a grade school paper)
‘Jen’ (proudly given to me by my 9th grade best friend)
‘One N’ or ‘1N’ (lovingly and endearingly given to me by my first love)
All this angst and anger on the grounds that the name I was given at birth didn’t ‘fit’.
However, it wouldn’t be a proper ponder if I ended here in a cul-de-sac of anger, blame, and victimhood, and so, turning that statement around on it’s head — was it possible I simply felt like I didn’t fit it?
Somewhere in this mantra/curiosity/montage/fear fog I realized I’d never actually looked up the meaning of my name (out of fear?) but I needed to know, now, and upon searching, found this:
‘Jennifer is a name that hints you are a humanitarian and generous individual. Turning our world to be a better place to live fascinates you. Use your creative and artistic talents to promote a cause. You are elegant, sophisticated, and stylish in appearance, and behavior.’
I can’t quite describe what it was like to read this, but it fell somewhere between a personal reckoning and a soul recognition; a reclamation, in which I felt myself simultaneously settle into, and swell (with pride), at being given such an aspirational moniker to both embody and live up to.
It occurred to me that when a name is only ever used in anger, it becomes infused with that very energy, and if nothing is ever done to mitigate this harm, from then on the word itself becomes a form of punishment.
How many people in this world walk around never having heard their name spoken in love? Only ever experiencing the word that represents their very existence imbued with anger, disappointment, or annoyance — making its very utterance an infliction on their soul? And usually from the very people they need love from the most?
We have the power to change this by committing to speaking only with love, and by making amends if/when we fail to do so.
This is the power we hold to spread love.
This is the power of our human family.
—
As it turns out there is a lot in a name, and this morning when the girl at the coffee shop asked me for mine, I said ‘Jenifer’ out loud (without stuttering), for the first time in a very, very, very long time.
This is my reclamation.
—
Today as I bleed with what feels like the weight of a thousand periods, I say this:
To all the beautiful women in my life, and to the ones I have yet to meet: May we all be brave enough to embrace our full selves, find compassion for and bring to light our darkest, unseen and most hurting parts, harness the courage to embody our full potential — whatever that may be — and above all, ‘may we be a force to be reckoned with’.
Happy International Women’s Day dear ones. I love you. Xx
Jen . Jenifer - an identity:
Jennifer: Origin:Welsh. Meaning: the fair one. Jennifer is a feminine name exquisitely intertwined with great beauty, love, and human complexity.
Jen: Jen is the main protagonist of Jim Henson's 1982 dark fantasy adventure film The Dark Crystal. He is one of the two Gelfling survivors of the Garthim Wars and journeys to heal the Dark Crystal and end the reign of the Skeksis once and for all.