'To Be Committed'

An upcoming 10 year business anniversary retrospective, an open letter to families, and a photography offering 8 years in the making

Part I

A big outward move

On June 14th 2020 I was bumbling down interstate I-15 alone in the cab of a U-Haul with a death grip on the steering wheel and my worldly possessions crashing around behind me. With doomsday scenes from Mad Max flashing before my eyes and the occasional ‘what are you even doing?!?’ escaping my mouth to no one in a dystopian, deer in the headlights manner, I headed toward what I was convinced was an apocalyptic future of the highest order; certain death by doing the scariest thing I could ever think to do — moving away from home.

Even though I knew it was the right move (no pun intended), and what was needed in order for me to grow & evolve, those first 3 months were a brutal suspension of shock where I seriously questioned if I actually had the grit & gumption to make it work.

With multiple photography jobs still lined up in Utah at that point I was making monthly trips back which only fueled this uncomfortable state of suspension I was in. It wasn’t until a new acquaintance kindly pointed out that indecision creates stagnancy and that I needed to commit, one way or the other in order to find peace, and when I looked deep within and knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was no going back — that I now lived here in LA — I decided then and there that it would work out for no other reason than it simply had to, and I purchased a plant.

I didn’t see it at the time but that little plant symbolized ‘planting new roots’ for me, and as soon as I committed, I felt things shift and watched myself rejoin the flow of things. Life moved me forward once again.

Part II

A big inward move

This year, June 14th will mark 10 years since I officially launched my photography business.

When it began, (unknowingly during my Saturn return) I was simply following an inner knowing that I was ultimately meant for entrepreneurship in this life and that carving my own path was for me. What I hadn’t planned for, was the phenomenal amount of personal work that would come along with it — as my neighbor and fellow entrepreneur so beautifully put it ‘In doing soul-led work like this, my business is a reflection of me, and that can be incredibly confronting at times’.

This venture would be the beginning of me leaving behind the idealistic naïveté of a child whose big desire was to simply want and get — with little to no risk — to learning that those big desires came with a big driver and that wanting now, was going to come with big, big lessons.

For the next 10 years I would watch myself grow layer by layer, year after year, with the ‘outward strokes’ characterized by flow, expansion, and a driving force to become — all tinged with a flavor of endless possibility — while the ‘inward strokes’ — where everything became a bit harder — were characterized by contraction, limitations, doubt, insecurity, and an overarching feeling of depression.

(A quick aside: noting that the overall baseline of the ‘inward strokes’ has risen from relying on complete self-isolation and crap foods like alcohol and ice cream to cope, to now only indulging in ‘whole foods’ and still making it out to socialize here and there when things feel pinchy — gives me hope that eventually, the baseline will rise to such a degree that the inward stroke, or contraction period, will feel like nothing more than a dense, deepening of roots, and a restful period for the soul).

From the outside, these large swaths of time looked like growing the business during the ‘outward strokes’ while I was feeling internally supported and steady, and looking for other jobs during the ‘inward strokes’ where I was feeling pinched and unstable (these jobs I would often take for a few months at a time until I realized that what I was doing wasn’t going to ‘fix’ this period of trial and challenge, which ultimately steered me back to the original work (photography) because the original work was the path and the path was the original work).

Ultimately though, what the past few years have shown me, is that when the same dream, the same vision, and the same ideas keep coming to me, more fully formed year after year in those blessed outward strokes, it’s because they are mine to be realized. And that when I got a little lost or when the fear & doubt got too loud and I faltered along the way, that that wasn’t a sign that I was doing something wrong, or a confirmation of my personal limitations, it was simply the process of clearing another layer of my personhood so that the upgraded version of me could come through — the version that was more clear, more concise, more cohesive, and more grounded — a foundation upon which I could harness the wave of the next outward stroke in order to put the next layer of the vision in motion. In this cycle, I re-cognized that simply doing . the . work . would actually be the thing that would stabilize me through the next inward stroke — *not* the habit of abandoning it altogether in search of something else.

Part III

Coming into alignment

The first time I crunched the numbers in 2014 and realized how many photo shoots I would have to book per month to make ends meet I buckled in pure sweat and terror. How would I even find that many people to let me photograph them let alone get them to *pay me* for it?? This would be the beginning of an almost 10 year journey of working hand-to-mouth, developing a complete dislike for what felt like an energetic leaky bucket of hustle culture (in which I would plant the seeds for a mutually supportive container to hold this dear craft of photography that I love so much), and ultimately, learning how to Trust that my basic survival would be supported by the Great Unseen (hello my fellow human design folk with ‘View as Survival’).

Through it all — the (failed) marketing courses/flier printing/random photo offerings/free (!) photo offerings/word-of-mouth community building/start and stop email newsletter-ing/random jobs ‘baby shower photographer’/’work with instagram influencers to gain followers’ seek-ing/’try every technical gimmick to reignite the photography spark’-ing and the eventual, move out of state — I finally realized that what was needed was not going to come from anywhere ‘out there’, that it would only come from ‘in here’ and that this transformation within would birth the next iteration of myself, the next iteration of my business, and the next chapter of my life.

I knew needed to come into true alignment and stability within myself, get clear on my values and my offering, and establish myself at the center of my calling in order to do my part and serve in the ways I believe are the foundational aspects of the feminine way — the way that values community, reciprocity, and collaboration.

(Personally, I believe that the future of business will be community based and membership/subscription oriented, that saving is not serving, and that by each of us simply *being who we are*, standing in our power, and sharing our gifts, that we will be doing the thing that will usher humanity forth into the next iteration of it’s evolution, but, who’s asking ;)

Part IV

Committing

At some point in life, (maybe this is my mid-life crisis point?) the hope is that you see your patterns clearly enough to recognize that you actually can’t be anyone except who you are, that your dreams are your dreams and that they will continue being your dreams until the day you die (or you complete them and move onto something else). And that in pursuing them, in committing to them, reaching the point of realizing there is no other option for you outside of them unless you want to suffer dearly is the *precise* point of forward motion, of mobilising and focussing all of your attention, energy and ‘intention’ into this driver that is coming through you to be realized and expressed in this lifetime.

I now know that through this commitment (something I’ve been subconsciously running from in some form or another my entire life because I think deep down I knew what it would require of me) is the self-realization, the self-actualization, and the unwavering Self relational foundation I’ve unknowingly been searching for all along, and when we discover that it has, in fact, been searching for us as well, there becomes no ‘then’. There is only ‘now’. Right now.

With commitment, we move into co-creation with what wants to be made, bringing us the resources needed to birth both the fullest expression of ourself and the thing that wants to be made.

So, this is my encouragement for you to do it. Do the thing. Commit to your vision. And then commit again. Every single day. Our desires are our informants and we are given a new chance to recommit to them every day in order to propel ourselves in the only direction we’re given in this life — forward.

When the same themes keep visiting you over and over again it’s because they want to be made and they want to be made through YOU. All that’s needed is for you to get out of your own way and get in communion with what it is. Co-create. Trust that the resources will show up. Trust that you have all the support in the world to make the thing otherwise the thing wouldn’t be trying to get made. Through you for you as you. You are the vessel and the steward. It is your task and responsibility to bring it into existence. ‘No drop of love is ever wasted’. Trust that it is safe to trust. Trust that you’re not alone in creating. Get into the space of co-creation and watch miracles happen. The flow is the key and all you have to do is dive in. Take one step and follow what feels good. Let go. And live.

—a Note to Self

Part V

A centering — an open letter to families

— WHO YOU ARE IS NOT A GROUP DECISION —

— Pamela Anderson

I believe that life is guiding us deeper into ourselves than ever before, deeper into our hearts and our capacity to love in order to birth an even greater version of this world into existence; a world that is full of peace & possibility, steeped in harmony, joy, bliss and more love than we can even imagine.

The thing is, that change won’t (and can’t) happen on its own because *we* are the vessels through which the world can know love, and so, it is up to us to bring it forth — for each and every one of us to answer the call to Dig Deep, Find Our Brave, and Love BIG.

And through a recent experience, I discovered that family is perhaps the most sacred starting point to access this specific type of life changing love, and I’d like to share that experience, with you:

I have over 40 family members within 2 generations on my mother’s side alone, and about a week ago during a particularly desolate and empty experience of the void where I wasn’t sure who or what I was, or if I’d make it back to ‘myself’, a metta love practice came to mind, and it just so happened to be the thing that saved me, that changed me, that brought me back to life and my Self, and revealed to me the depth of my heart.

The practice is to simply think of someone and to ’wish them better’, and when I began applying this practice to my family tree, making my way through all 40+ members, what began as an experience of complete & utter destitution of my soul, ended in an experience of complete and utter fulfillment of my being, one so big that I felt myself and my heart burning & vibrating with a love that extended far beyond the confinements of my physical body.

Whether we like it or not, family is where this whole human thing begins and ends — at once impossible and wholly divine, a mysterious bond and the bedrock of our existence, a forever kaleidoscope and endless curriculum of learning — we are always connected. We are messy and imperfect and we hurt each other. But we are *family*. *A human family*.

And no matter what the relationship with our family looks like in real life — no matter how fraught or friendly, no matter if we’re in constant contact or haven’t spoken in years, no matter if they’re still earth side or have passed on to the next — no matter if we’ve never met them at all — we can *always* find that bond in the very center of our being & the home of our truth — our heart — and we can *always* nourish it there. And in that way, we are all connected. Always.

As my teacher says ‘all of us are healers or we wouldn’t be alive, because we heal by loving’ and I believe that through this practice, whether we apply it to our family of origin, our family of choice, or our entire human family, we can begin the real work of ‘cleaning our hearts’ so that we can birth this change that is wanting to happen for our world.

Only we can set free every ounce of love tied up in our own hearts.

Imagine the power we could harness as a whole if we all simply ‘wished our family members better’, no matter what, every single night.

— WE ARE [WHO] WE LOVE NOT [WHO] LOVES US —

— Adaptation

In the past decade of my career of photographing families in their home, my biggest takeaway is how much every single family member just wants to be in that loving frequency with the ones they love most, that space where worldly stresses fall away, where annoyances and petty (or more serious) grievances are set aside, where the ‘hierarchical structure’ of parent and child dissolves — where no authority exists and each member is given a permission slip to drop their guard and simply be in the presence of joy, silliness, & playful loving tenderness.

I believe in the power of positivity to lift the lives of those around us.  And I believe that photographs, and the experience of being photographed — either as a means of self reflection or within the divine chaos of family life — can help elicit those positive feelings about life because they give us both an anchor and a perspective otherwise inaccessible to us from the inside.  And I want to continue to do this work that I believe in with every cell of my being that has been equal parts nourishing and fulfilling and confronting and hellish (when I’m being shown a part of me I’d rather not see).

I want to continue to spread positive feelings about life through personal and family reflection.

If the work I’ve made with you in the past has contributed to positive feelings about yourself or your own life, I invite you to share what that was with your community of people — whether it’s on social media, word of mouth, or simply by self-reflecting in private.

I believe it is through loving the impossibility of ourselves and our family that we make this world a better place, and I want to help make that happen. 

These hearts were made for loving, and that’s just what they’ll do

-me

Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for inviting me into your lives and homes. Thank you for teaching me about myself by allowing me into your hearts and souls and the most interior and precious part of you — the fabric of your family and personal life.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

P.S.

THE LA PHOTO CLUB

Today I am launching what has been an almost 8 year in the making concept of how to offer photography in a way that feels mutually supportive, foundational, and reciprocal — essentially, a membership that gets you regular access to ‘Aunt Jen’ (thas me) as your dedicated memory maker, and an easy way to update your memory bank.

If you live in LA and are interested in investing in the legacy of your family through bonding experiences that result in artful imagery, please check out my offering for local families HERE.

I can’t wait to meet you. :)